No One Died
What opening up a parachute of grace means
Back when I was a professor, I had the opportunity to be a speaker at a community summit. It was to be a TED-style talk, on a stage, complete with lights and a huge audience of community members. I partnered up with a younger professor and our topic was “The Future of Education.” So lofty. Honestly, I can’t even recall what I said the future of education was, but I do remember what happened that day.
Along with a huge crowd of college folks, community stakeholders, and board of trustee members, my parents and my partner were in the crowd. This was a big deal and I wanted the support of some of the people I loved. The last time I had a speaking engagement this big was when I gave the commencement address at my college graduation in the early 90s.
There was a big, important keynote guy — I think from Google. My partner and I got ushered up to the front table where we sat as I glanced over my notes. The keynote and I got to talking and he found out that I was a professor of public speaking and determined that there was a high likelihood I would be scrutinizing all the “speeches.” Maybe that was true. Maybe it wasn’t. I was there and I had a job to do.
Let me back up for a second and talk about how I prepared for this. I wrote the talk myself. The words were mine. I workshopped it with one of my favorite and trusted colleagues in the Communication department. I knew it backwards and forwards. Everyone in my house knew my talk because I had rehearsed it so many times. I practiced on stage with the lights more than a couple times. In hindsight, I can’t think of anything I could or should have done differently.
I had been a professor of public speaking for about 14 years at that time and counseled and coached students too numerous to count on the perils of stage fright and not rehearsing.
All that said, I was unprepared for what happened to me on that stage. As I recall it, it was like taking a beautiful walk through a really scenic park and then stepping off a ledge into a free-fall with no way to stop myself.
My mind literally went blank.
My power point slides were of no use. I remembered nothing. It was then that I looked down at my partner (who is extremely quick thinking) who nodded to me with my notes in her hand. I nodded back which was the indication that she should bring them to me — and she did. In that moment when I bent down to grab the notes, I quipped, “See, it even happens to a speech teacher.” Silence is awkward. Flubbing like that when the stakes are high is also not ideal. But I heard from others that this was the perfect thing for me to have said in that moment to help put the audience (and myself) at ease.
I glanced at my notes and was back on track.
I am good friends with the video guys who edited all the videos from that day and the final video does not show my mis-step. Also, they let me know that my “free-fall,” start to finish, was less than 20 seconds.
I saw my folks afterwards and my mom knew I was embarrassed and wanted to cry. She looked my square in the eye and said, “Nope. You hold your head up high.” And it was hard, but I did it.
Enough time has passed that I’m not plagued by this anymore. For the remainder of my time as a professor, I told my students this story and even showed them the video. And, truth be told, some of the talks that came after me that day were hideous including one speaker who didn’t move and read the talk word for word from a full sheet of paper they held in their hands. What happened to me was minor compared to that travesty.
I’ve had the opportunity to attend a couple big TED events (not TEDx). I saw speakers live and in person. A couple of them had to leave the stage to check their notes and then step back into the red circle to pick up where they left off. What we see on the web site is a beautiful, edited, finished product. What I know about TED is that the speakers are vetted and coached at the highest levels. It even happens to speakers like them!
We tend to be so critical of ourselves. Allowing for grace in these times — especially when there is learning happening — is vital. My challenge to you is to show yourself grace always, but especially if you’re in the midst of learning.
Showing our humanity is also a really important thing. That was a vulnerable moment for me but NOT talking about it gives it power over me. Admitting my shortcomings helps to pave the way for everyone after me who maybe missed the mark a bit. We will make mistakes. We are human. Owning them is the way to go. Covering them up gives people a reason not to trust you.
This was not the epic fail I once thought it was. Within the context of my whole life, this was a 19 second free fall where no one died, myself included. It was in fact, a time where that free fall turned out to have an awesome parachute that allowed me to enjoy view of what giving myself grace really means. This was not a defining moment for me but rather a stepping stone along the path that got me where I am today.
