…’Cause I’m 50

I’ve never been one to get hung up on ages. Sure, I recall a bit of trauma when I turned 20 — no longer a teenager and standing on the precipice of adulthood. Turning 30 was fine because I hit my goal of being done having kids. Forty was good because that’s when I began my journey of giving no fucks and doing pretty much whatever I want. Things have just continued to get better since then — even through all the changes and turmoil I experienced in the last decade.

This year I turned 50 and I am fine with that. I know who I am and feel pretty secure. And then I started to think a bit more…and the demons creeped in.

In the work I do, I have the opportunity to help folks focus on and learn about stuff that matters. I read, research and curate learning opportunities that they can use in their career and personal development. Recently I did some work around mindset — growth vs. fixed. With that frame in mind, I’m finding I need to check myself.

It would be so easy to look at 50 and think — I’m on the downhill slide towards the end of my life (Which is a really dark thought!). I can’t look ahead and think “I have my whole life ahead of me” because I don’t. But then, I don’t know if I have 5 years, 10, 20, 40… None of us know. Thinking like this has made me really sad and I don’t know how to talk to anyone about it because I’m sure I’ll be met with things like:

Live for today!

You only live once!

Make the most of every day!

We are given one life — one chance…how will you spend it?

Yeah. I know. The rational side of my brain knows all of this and I know better than to live my life thinking this way. I refer to this kind of mindset as living in “lack.” People who think they want and need more in their lives and who compare themselves to the Jones family down the street live like this. That has never really been my style. But this feeling has been overwhelming.

Shit. Is this what a mid-life crisis looks like?

It’s terrible to be overwhelmed with feeling like whatever time I have left isn’t enough. I don’t have a bucket list or things that I hope to accomplish. But, maybe I should. Generally speaking, I’m content to live my life, care for those I love, and be at peace wherever I’m at.

The practical mind tells me to just buckle in and figure the shit out. What do I need to do to get through this? What kinds of tools and resources do I need? There are people worse off than you! You can get through/over these feelings.

And I have.

Feeling better has taken the form of being more gentle with myself and taking a time out when I need it. I’m an introvert at heart that masquerades as an extrovert. Going along with people immersed in a group mentality is not what I need to do. This drains my energy. When I take the time and step away to recapture my peace, I am much more grounded and the demons stay away.

I can’t say that turning 50 has “done” anything for me. But I have very consciously shifted my mindset to know I desire peace. Living in the chaos of “lack” is not how I roll. I don’t want that for myself.

So, at 50, I just say no to that.

And that’s enough.